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| In Help!,
Deepak Chopra shall be called
DC; his book Ageless
Body, Timeless Mind shall
be referred to as a "footnote" because,
as will emerge later in the book,
its 344-page contents could be
debunked via a single footnote.
Yarns are a key weapon in DC's
arsenal; I will label these Choprantics,
which he uses to sway his followers
(Choprasinners) and to promote
his philosophy (Choprasin). |
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| What do
Deepak
Chopra, Dracula, McDonald's,
Business Schools, and Hindu Mind-Body
Principles (a.k.a. doshas) have
in common? The answers appear
in this chapter. |
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| Excerpts From
Chapter -1: The Negation |
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| Chopra's McDonald's
and Baskin-Robbins |
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| Statistics also show that Americans don't like to
wait. And so Chopra started the McDonald's version of nirvana in
California, called the Chopra Center for Well-Being. Like the menu
at McDonald's, which is comprised of beef, chicken, and pork, or
some combo thereof, Chopra's menu is comprised of three mind-body
principles, or doshas: vata, pitta, and kapha. Every human being,
it is supposed, is governed by one of these doshas. And like the
McDonald's combo, it is likely for each one of us to experience
a combination of any two of these doshas in the course of our lives. |
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| A vata dosha is one who has a light, slender frame, and is more prone to dry hair and skin (a regular burger). A pitta dosha has medium build, discriminating intellect, and thinning hair (a cheeseburger). A kapha dosha is the bossy type and is likely to be heavyset, gregarious, and oily haired (a double cheeseburger). Not unlike the mental self-flagellation centers in business schools, in a week's time you can learn more about your doshas for a few thousand dollars at the Chopra Center. It's expensive, but you're getting The Happy Meal! |
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| McDonald's marketed the concept, "My McDonald's." The idea is to make your individualized sandwich. At Chopra's parlor, it is "My Mantra." Your meditation instructor, using PC-based software, will calculate your personal chant, or mantra. As is fairly common in strip malls, you could top the McDonald's experience with one of Baskin-Robbins's thirty-one flavors. The high point of the mind-body experience at Chopra's parlor is that you can expect to be marinated for a few hours in one of many oil and spice mixtures; examples include sesame seed, eucalyptus, rosemary, and ginger. Two pros massage your nearly naked body with an oil and spice blend. |
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| Just as different flavors of ice cream can be scooped into a split banana, your body will be eased into sheets of flavored oil. And as in the "brothels," when you walk out of Chopra's Center, you can buy one of his many products and become a client for life (or until such time you begin to tire of the sesame seed oil that won't come off your underwear at the laundry). |
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| How are Chopra, Rhonda Byrne, The Secret, Porn Sites, Intellectual Syphllis, Pustulates (a.k.a. "sores that ooze pus"), Groucho Marx, the Clintons, and prestigious book reviewers connected? Read this chapter for the answers! |
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| Excerpts From Chapter 0: The Pustulates |
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| Chopra and Rosemary's Baby |
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| Did any book reviewer really read DC's book? Who were these critics that crooned over this kind of "prose"? According to the Washington
Post, the book was "dazzling"; the San
Francisco Chronicle called it "enlightening"; and the London
Daily Telegraph went so far as to claim that it was "brilliant and exhilarating." But then read what the reviewer from the prestigious Kirkus
Reviews has to say: "A guide to longevity that's also a thoughtful and sometimes inspiring reflection on our remarkable place in the cosmic scheme of things." |
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| I am reminded of the last scene in the horror
movie Rosemary's Baby where all the devil worshippers gather and chant by Satan's child, waiting for the reluctant mother to join them. One pictures DC and all his reviewers in a room chanting and holding hands as they release another one of his books or videos. The mother of all reviews is, of course,the
New York Times and, like the Mia Farrow character, the mother was the last to unite. The New
York Times waited for Chopra's Seven
Spiritual Laws of Success to be published before finally succumbing to the numbing comfort to be found in herd idiocy: "A must-read for anyone who missed The
Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran." |
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